Being Alone and Stress

      We are currently going through our third deployment together and the hardest by far for both of us. The hardest part of this deployment for me is that I am alone. We bought a house, we have no roommates and I am a good 45 minutes from my family. It's enough that going to see them for anything other than a event really doesn't happen and vice-versa. His family is 5 hours away and given that most of them dislike me, well, it's not a heart breaker. Reflecting on my life, this is the first time I have ever been alone like this. At 17 I moved in with my grandmother and after my father's second divorce he moved in with us. From there I moved in with RJ. Our first deployment I had a girl friend living with us, the second my sister and a roommate, and alas now I am lucky to have a friend offer to come over and that's if I haven't begged. I always thought I would like living alone. I mean think about it, no one to clean up after, no one leaving dishes in the sink, laundry all over the house, or tip toeing around so they can sleep thanks to the night shift. It really isn't what it is cracked up to be. There is no help, when I am hurting or sick, I have to help myself. If I am too weak to make food, I don't eat. Too weak for a shower, I go without. Need medication, I need to drag myself out of bed or suffer. It's not just that of course, there is also managing the bills, doing the house hold chores, entertaining myself and being the soul decision maker knowing my decision will effect him when he gets home. Granted I am the take charge kind of person, I have always budgeted the money and made decisions but it very rarely isn't without telling him first. Sometimes it's a discussion but more often it is me keeping him in the loop as to where the money he makes is going.
         The biggest hing is the stress. It just builds and builds. There is no one to share it with or to take my mind off of it. To remind me life isn't only about the money or the laundry or a clean floor. That there is love and fun and happiness to enjoy as well. I do have a handful of friends that without, I would have already gone off the deep end. Mandi is another military wife with an 18 month old daughter. Her husband is deployed with mine and she is past military. I find a lot of strength in her and often find myself asking her how things work and what the rules are. Goody is an ex and yes, I already hear all of you groaning. He reminds me that there is fun out there and someone willing to take my garbage cans to the curb as well as what being single is like. It reminds me to be grateful I am done that dating phase and have found my other half because I sincerely would not have the patience for it now. Betzer is a young airman just falling in love. He's the one that will drink with me and I don't mind listening to how much he hates the morons at work. Rob, also an ex is someone I talk to daily but we don't hang out. After spending 5 years of my life with him, it is nice to be able to joke and tease each other without worrying about hurting his feelings. Mike is the one that I never dated because he chose someone else and sadly for him that backfired. In a way it is an open book but we share a lot in common from pain, to depression, to ocd. It's nice to not feel so crazy and to be able to talk to someone that thinks like me in certain ways where RJ doesn't. That likeness is the main reason we would have never worked out but is what keeps the friendship strong. And that is my handful; three people I see, two that I talk to regularly. It's not always enough.
      

Introductions Ala Mode

Yes, go get some ice cream and get ready to read. I personally am not a fan but I do know junk food is the great companion of us single wives. My husband's name is RJ (or Regis John if he did something to warrant full name usage). He has been active duty Air Force for 9 years and a month now. Five years of which I have had the pleasure of being a part of. He is 28 and ambitious, or at least he is now, and he loves his job more than I can fathom. Ironically we were born two days apart and yes I am his elder. We both come from large families with 5 siblings a piece. Granted my family is large due to divorces and his is the product of a whole lot of loving but we both value our marriage and are determined to have a strong relationship that lasts a lifetime. I have had cancer, major back surgery, heart failure, and in the end a heart transplant. I don't think giving you a whole lot of back ground now will be anything more than boring but as I go along you are going to get flash backs and some rambling. I have always loved to write and to read. After going back and forth about this idea for at least a year now I think it's time for a military wive to bare it all, good, bad and the down right ugly. I know it will get a load off my shoulders but what I am hoping to do is help other wives. We aren't alone, even on those days where you probably couldn't convince me otherwise.