We are currently going through our third deployment together and the hardest by far for both of us. The hardest part of this deployment for me is that I am alone. We bought a house, we have no roommates and I am a good 45 minutes from my family. It's enough that going to see them for anything other than a event really doesn't happen and vice-versa. His family is 5 hours away and given that most of them dislike me, well, it's not a heart breaker. Reflecting on my life, this is the first time I have ever been alone like this. At 17 I moved in with my grandmother and after my father's second divorce he moved in with us. From there I moved in with RJ. Our first deployment I had a girl friend living with us, the second my sister and a roommate, and alas now I am lucky to have a friend offer to come over and that's if I haven't begged. I always thought I would like living alone. I mean think about it, no one to clean up after, no one leaving dishes in the sink, laundry all over the house, or tip toeing around so they can sleep thanks to the night shift. It really isn't what it is cracked up to be. There is no help, when I am hurting or sick, I have to help myself. If I am too weak to make food, I don't eat. Too weak for a shower, I go without. Need medication, I need to drag myself out of bed or suffer. It's not just that of course, there is also managing the bills, doing the house hold chores, entertaining myself and being the soul decision maker knowing my decision will effect him when he gets home. Granted I am the take charge kind of person, I have always budgeted the money and made decisions but it very rarely isn't without telling him first. Sometimes it's a discussion but more often it is me keeping him in the loop as to where the money he makes is going.
The biggest hing is the stress. It just builds and builds. There is no one to share it with or to take my mind off of it. To remind me life isn't only about the money or the laundry or a clean floor. That there is love and fun and happiness to enjoy as well. I do have a handful of friends that without, I would have already gone off the deep end. Mandi is another military wife with an 18 month old daughter. Her husband is deployed with mine and she is past military. I find a lot of strength in her and often find myself asking her how things work and what the rules are. Goody is an ex and yes, I already hear all of you groaning. He reminds me that there is fun out there and someone willing to take my garbage cans to the curb as well as what being single is like. It reminds me to be grateful I am done that dating phase and have found my other half because I sincerely would not have the patience for it now. Betzer is a young airman just falling in love. He's the one that will drink with me and I don't mind listening to how much he hates the morons at work. Rob, also an ex is someone I talk to daily but we don't hang out. After spending 5 years of my life with him, it is nice to be able to joke and tease each other without worrying about hurting his feelings. Mike is the one that I never dated because he chose someone else and sadly for him that backfired. In a way it is an open book but we share a lot in common from pain, to depression, to ocd. It's nice to not feel so crazy and to be able to talk to someone that thinks like me in certain ways where RJ doesn't. That likeness is the main reason we would have never worked out but is what keeps the friendship strong. And that is my handful; three people I see, two that I talk to regularly. It's not always enough.
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